Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
