You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
