Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Let's get the cat blown out
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
