Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize