Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
