I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
