i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
