a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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