Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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