I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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