The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
