if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
