now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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