im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
