if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize