Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
