I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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