i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
