Duck Duck Cougar?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
