I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
