he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
