I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
