another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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