I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize