Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
they need to just BURY HIM!
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
