she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Boobs are out for the taking
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
