look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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