Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
