He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
