She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
