Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
now i know why i became what i already was.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
