She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
