she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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