I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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