So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize