sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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