Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
