i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
