ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
