dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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