i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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