he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
