but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
