i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Houston, we have a blender
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
