this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
