No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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