New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
