Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
