Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Randomize
