I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
