community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
