She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize