My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize