What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
