Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize