Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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