If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
