You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize