Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
We left an ass print on the piano.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
