I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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