I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize